I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
