i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
