Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
