Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
