pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
