Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
