she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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