We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
