I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
