just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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