Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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