I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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