i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
