false alarm. still invincible.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
