I can't breathe out the right side of my face
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
