So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
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I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
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I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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