Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
