There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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