weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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