The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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