can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
