At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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