I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
