You just made me feel so damn special
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
