6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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