Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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