dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
