have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
