Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
