Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
