Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
