This girl is more easily done than said...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
