His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
