yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
