I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
