you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
