All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
