Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
