I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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