someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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