i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
