Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
