Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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