When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
