sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
