just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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