I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
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his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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