Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
