You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
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There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
why is half of my head shaved?
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