So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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