So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
