Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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