I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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