how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
