Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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