Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
