dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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