He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
