you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
