Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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